You are at netAirspace : Forum : The Combustion Chamber - Off-Topics : General Off-Topics

Humor

Everything that would not belong anywhere else.
 

halls120 (Plank Owner) 15 Dec 17, 12:49Post
Image

Amazon.com

First Class members don't see ads. Upgrade!
 
helvknight (Founding Member) 15 Dec 17, 14:51Post
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. Whilst he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100".

The diplomats have a discussion for a few minutes and then tell the undertaker that they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?".

The Americans reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
ShanwickOceanic (netAirspace FAA) 28 Dec 17, 23:15Post
Why did the Canadian pilot get his instrument rating?

It's fun to fly into IMC, eh...
Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast:
For it is the number of a man; and its number is One hundred threescore and twelve.
helvknight (Founding Member) 05 Jan 18, 04:43Post
Image
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
Mark 04 Feb 18, 03:48Post
Image
helvknight (Founding Member) 04 Feb 18, 16:54Post
A plane was heading quickly towards the ground, sure to crash. As it hit the ground, it miraculously bounced back up. When the captain was asked how this was possible, he responded with “it’s a Boeing. It did exactly as the name suggests”
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 04 Feb 18, 16:55Post
A horse is in the pub having a few jars when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter. The donkey asks "what did you do for a living" the horse replies " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter"

Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach" , then he asks "Did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, the donkey thinks, "I need to impress this **** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", the donkey replies " Thats me when I played for Juventus !
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
Mark 06 Feb 18, 20:37Post
Image
fiatstilojtd 10 Mar 18, 10:28Post
Gents I hope you did not forget the International Women's Day this week.

ImageImage
Non vitae sed scholae discimus
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 21 Mar 18, 10:18Post
The Benefits Of Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
Mark 06 Apr 18, 03:29Post
Image
ANCFlyer (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 07 Apr 18, 20:59Post
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my Boobs ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
Armor. M60A1, M60A3, M1, M1A1, Master Gunner, CSM - Best Job I Ever Had
Mark 12 Apr 18, 20:32Post
Image
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 24 Apr 18, 11:49Post
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, "What for?"

She says, "I want to kill my husband."

He says, "Sorry, I cannot do that."

She then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed having carnal relations with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
Fumanchewd 28 May 18, 04:58Post
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
helvknight (Founding Member) 03 Jun 18, 20:20Post
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
Mark 12 Jun 18, 00:07Post
Image
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 16 May 19, 15:41Post
An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen

Join the netAirspace community!

Come on in and see what you've been missing!
• Join us in the forums
• Share your photos
• Earn netAirspace Miles
Register now and get
1 month Business Class
membership FREE!
 
 

Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

LEFT

RIGHT
CONTENT